Contentment is a tricky beast.
Surely you know when you're not happy with what life is handing you. It should be easy to see, right?
Funny story. It's not.
I didn't recognize my own discontentment until my friend Elizabeth confessed that she's been struggling in that very area.
When she said those words out loud I remember snickering and saying "Yeah, I can see how you've been in 'fake it till you make it' mode."
I didn't realize that those words were true for me also.
Ever since we stepped foot back in the United States I have longed to leave again. (How's that for patriotism!)
I saw this season of our lives as "hurry up and wait." We were just biding our time until God got his ducks in a row and we could get to doing what he called us to do.
Please understand that I see, now, how horrible that sounds.
After sharing our hearts (and history) with our pastor and his wife we were encouraged that this season is not to wait, but to grow. We were in a safe place, surrounded by people who genuinely love us and are willing to speak truth into our lives with love. (Which is something we haven't had in recent past.)
I believe that the Great Commission is carried out 'as
you are going.' I have continued to stay connected to the body and have
been active in my local church. I invite friends to church, hold
babies in the nursery so their moms can enjoy service, make coffee and
set out communion, and have lunch with friends so that they feel
involved and connected. I haven't stopped serving.
The
issue with all of this is my heart. I never served begrudgingly, but
it was just something to occupy my time until we moved on to something
else. If God wanted me to grow in leadership I was going to show him
just how ready for being a leader I was.
I feel like I've been saying and doing the right things (most of the time) but my heart was in the wrong place.
It's time for a re-boot. Time to speak my soul into submission and get my heart lined up with God's.
It's time for me to see this season for what it is and be willing to use up every second of the incredibly generous opportunity that God has given me.
During this time of growth I am learning to open up every part (yes, EVERY part) of my life
with the people closest to me. I am learning that admonishment, when
handled in love, doesn't have to leave spiritual and psychological
scars. In short I am learning what genuine biblical community is really like.
