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The story of an amazing God's work in our family.

Monday, November 10, 2014

I Guess I'll Go Eat Worms

I have been in a funk.

There.  I said it.

For those who don't knowI lost my job in August. 

It was a shock to say the least. 

I had been with the small, family-oriented company for over a year.  Mark and I were talking about buying a house.  Then, out of nowhere, I was called into the owner's office and told that because of our heart for missions, and our desire to one day leave this country, they didn't see me as a permanent employee.  Thankfully I was so shocked that I handled myself with as much grace as I could muster.  I gathered the things from my desk, loaded everything in my car, and cried the whole way home. 

After a couple of days of wallowing I applied for unemployment and started exploring other options.  A few short weeks later I had my first unemployment check and a fairly lucrative cake business. 

God is good.

I decided that I would apply for jobs and go on interviews but that I would be selective until November (as my unemployment runs out at the end of December). 

Well....it's November. 

I have been on several interviews and nothing has really panned out.  I feel like I'm fairly bright and capable of doing whatever is asked of me, but because of craptastic decisions earlier in life (mainly resulting from my selfishness) I don't have any experience to back those claims up.

It's no secret that I've struggled with my identity.  As days turn into weeks, and the call backs never come, I have struggled with feeling inadequate, useless, and unworthy.

Unfortunetally these feelings have migrated into my relationships as well. 

This has resulted in me wanting to crawl in a hole and sing:

"Nobody likes me,
Everybody hates me,
I Guess I'll go eat worms."

Thankfully I have a husband who calls me out on this childish behavior and encourages me with "Suck it up buttercup."

I hope that the handfull of you reading this understand what a huge deal it is for me to pour out my heart like this.  I don't usually open up to people.  I have not had good results with it in the past.  More often than not my deepest struggles have been locked away inside another person to be used against me later.  I just don't trust people.

I would love to say that there is a bright side to this depression narrative....but, alas, I'm still waiting for....something. 

Right now I rest in the fact that God is who he said he is, he will do what he says he will do, and I am who HE says I am.